Awkward silences, or status updates I could never post

ee bookkeeper

- is not creeping your profile

- is not thinking of you

- is not wishing you were thinking of her. And creeping her profile...

- is not staring at your name in the chatbox, willing it to make that sound. (insert fb chat sound)

- is not wishing you would Like her shit, Comment on her exciting life and wish you were part of it, thereby validating her entire existence.

- is looking at her phone that doesnt ring.

- is now looking through her phonebook wondering who to text.

- needs to clear her phonebook.

- can smell the desperation.

- is making her life sound more exciting than it is, by;

a. Pretending that there is no dead time between her awesome real-life moments, wherein she actually just stares at her news feed wishing it would do something new.
b. Writing cryptic status updates that make her sound profound and intriguing. And
c. filtering pictures to make them look vintage and therefore, blessed by the gods.

- is taking selfies that she wouldn't dare show to anyone or acknowledge that she is secretly a part of the selfie-taking club of Poseurs and Mr. Vains. #whichismybestside?

- is cheering you out of your depression, even though she should know better than to cheer at a depressed person. #killthatcheerfulbitch

- is looking like a hobo.

- is also smelling like a hobo.

- is trying to pluck this chin hair with her bare hands. Aha, success!

- is trying with her tongue to reach that mayonnaise stain on her sweater.

- thinks that it's quite possible in this horizontal position.

- is thinking up a really mind-blowing status update... tick-tock-tick-tock...

- is aging...ever-so-slowly.

- is chain-smoking because it makes her feel like a tortured writer.

- is choking on her smoke and feels repulsive, but also tortured, and therefore...pretty damn good.

- has discovered a new porn site, but really can't share it because she thinks it should be illegal, and no healthy person should be getting off on this. She is surprised at her arousal but the shame only makes her hornier. She has hit a new level of self-loathing.

- imagines herself getting out of bed.

- imagines herself getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom, to take that shower.

- rinses, soaks, lathers, waxes on and off, jives, sings badly, scrubs, loofahs, dries off, wraps up. All through astral projection like the yogi that she is.

- reckons her filthy mind could use a shower too.

- thinks she has never been this lonely. She blames the social network, and gags on the irony.

- is doing mental push-ups by going through the alphabet. Aardvark, Abacus, Actuality, Adoration, Aerosmith...

- realizes that if she doesn't move soon, she'll have bed sores to deal with. The idea fatigues her...

- hasn't started talking to herself yet.

- is considering the option of talking to herself.

- is on a date with herself and there's just this awkward silence...

- Banter, Bedridden, Bittersweet, Botox, Bubonic, Biding the time, Better off, Biodegradable...

- is wondering what you think of her status updates.

- is wondering what you think of her mental status. To date.

- is suddenly feeling judged.

- is defensively flipping the bird.

- is reluctantly signing off.

- is really quickly logging back in to see if maybe, just maybe, hopefully, who knows, it could be that, something new, possibly, has happened to her virtual body.

- is disappointed, and really signing off this time.